Posted in Family, Parenting, Personal

When do we stop watching?

We were on our way to my oldest son’s last basketball banquet as a high schooler. I thought for sure I was going to cry, but my eyes stayed dry, even as his coach gave him major props for stepping up and becoming the man of the house. It was awesome hearing him recognized because I know what a great kid he is, and now others do too.

Okay. Got side tracked. On our way there, I pulled into a gas station and handed Q the money to pay/pump. A little girl with glasses was crossing across the parking lot and I heard her mother saying “Go now!” “Look both ways!”, all the normal things we parents have said since they were mobile.

And as I watched this anxious mom, watch her anxious daughter, it hit me. When did I stop looking? When did I trust them enough to walk across a parking lot without panicking, without watching their every step and releasing the breath I didn’t even know I was holding. 

Am I that… what’s the word I’m looking for… lax? B is 12 and should know how to cross the parking lot, but he does tend to just run and not look out. And he’s short, so I always worry about that, but I don’t watch anymore. And that scares the hell out of me.

Posted in Family, Personal

Not Sure Where to Post This

**May get copied over to my other blog**

It’s funny the things we remember.

I remember the outfit I wore on my first day of kindergarten; blue dress with a white top and matching jacket, black dress shoes.

I remember my first real broken heart; the day the county came and picked up my dog because my parents said he was too old to come to our new house and that it was his time to get some rest. I knew what that meant, that Prince was going to be put to sleep. He was 12 and I was 11, maybe I just didn’t get it or maybe I did. I just knew that I losing my best friend and there was nothing I could do about it.

I remember when I thought I was pregnant for the first time. I shook it off as the flu, but it raged on and I finally relented and tested. I cried for hours thinking about how disappointed my parents where going to be, what was I going to do, how was my fiance going to react?
(FYI: The strapping 18yo should let you know a few things, the fiance dumped me)

I remember the night I met my first husband. It was at my friends birthday party at Red Lobster. He had gone for the sole mission of asking her out that night, but saw she was clearly interested in someone else there. We talked and danced and ended up making out on the dance floor.

I remember the night he proposed.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant again.

I remember the night my adopted mother died. I thought I had cried more than any other soul on the planet could have and still more came.

I remember the day we brought our son home from the hospital.

I remember the fighting. All the fighting.

I remember his face when I told him it was truly over, I had no fight left.

I remember his anger when he thought I had left him for a friend.

I remember crying on that friend’s shoulder after my husband would call me on the phone or show up at the house and call me so many dirty and nasty names.

I remember that friend kissing me for the first time.

I remember that abusive second husband leaving our lives for good.

I remember the night of standing in the freezing rain with my little sister at Target for Black Friday and seeing my rapist working there.

I remember the next day, the aches and pains that never went away.

And I remember so many tiny, insignificant details between all those. I remember being a good person, I mean I’m not a saint, but I think I’d tip the scales in my favor. I remember helping my family without a second thought and I remember thinking that they would do the same for me. I know that most aren’t in a situation to do more than lend a shoulder to cry on, but there are only so many times you can cry before even you, yourself are sick of it.

And now I’ll be adding something new the list of things I will always remember if things don’t change within a month. I’ll remember the day I become homeless and lose my kids. Because I’ll be damned if I take them from shelter to shelter or god forbid on the streets just because I don’t want to be without them. They deserve so much better. They deserve such a better mom than I am right now.

Posted in Family, Holiday, R.OS.E., Reviews, Writing

Thanksgiving, Reviews and YouTube

Oh my!

The boys and I had Thanksgiving today instead of being killed by the hundreds of shoppers trying to to score a deal. I haven’t gone Black Friday shopping in five years, it’s a bittersweet memory. It was the night I caught the ‘flu’ that never went away.

Anywho. While the turkey was cooking in rich buttery goodness, I decided to watch the new Gilmore Girls episodes on Netflix. Granted, I’ve only seen the first two seasons – and that has been in the last month – I figured I could watch it and still follow along. And yep, I was right.

At first, I wasn’t too upset that there was only four episodes out. Then OF COURSE they dropped a huge ‘Wow, didn’t see that coming!’ So now I need more, Netflix. Get on that!

I also would like to make another YouTube video for ROSE Dangerous Turns but I am in the throes of hot flash hell (no, I’m nowhere near menopause… male readers, do not freak out over the word menopause) and am constantly in a state of sweating my ass off. So until I get that under control and stop looking like a walking sprinkler system, all pics and videos of me are a no go.

I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving! I’ll be back on Monday with new stuff including an interview and a review!

Posted in Family, Fibro, Personal, Promotion, Update

Past due for an update

Today is week two, day four of PT.

Last week ended in tears and we decided that we needed to space out the needling and let my muscles rest. So instead of using all three days, I’m spacing out my days and only two will be used for needling and even that will depend on how I’m feeling.

I also started Lyrica last night. Not sure how I’m feeling on it yet. Didn’t sleep well at all and after my first dose this morning, very spacey. Not good to figure out while driving.

My muscles are loosing up but also staying tight… I know that makes no sense… sometimes when I’m just about to go to sleep, they are nice and relaxed but the majority of the time, they are giving the Rockies a run for their money.

But I’m still holding in there.

Oh! I finally got my disability paperwork and am working on that bitch right now. I’m fuzzy on a few things so as I was hoping to mail it out today, it will need to have to go out tomorrow.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and the dad’s out there had a rocking Father’s day.

And no, still no wifi at home. Getting to McDonald’s to use there’s is being a pain especially now that I am getting more and more review requests and need to do cover work.

I hope you have enjoyed my blog and want to see it still going. I totally understand if you can’t but if you could help me anyway you can I would appreciate it.

Here is the link to my gofundme account:
gofundme.com/rszxv3m4

Also here is the link to Riders of Sins Eternal  (has been getting GREAT reviews):
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01CJFZ3E6

Word of mouth is wonderful promotion. And I love you guys no matter what!

Have a great week, will check in when I can! 💋

Posted in Family, Parenting

Man down

Last night, during an exciting basketball game, my oldest hurt his ankle. Again.

There where a slew of cuss words. From both of us. Again.

And I was given “helpful advice” from the basketball dad’s. Again.

It’s like the mechanic analogy only in sports!

“Hey there little lady, now I know you don’t understand how this all here works, but don’t you worry! I’ll be here to tell you all you need to  know.”

I have been a sport mom since my oldest could hold a ball of any kind (no pun intended). I’ve been lugging gear for the last 13 years of my life. 7 years pulling double duty.

I have been through two concussion, a broken hand, broken thumb, more ankle twists/sprains than I can count and that’s not including my own injuries from when I was able to run and jump and be a functioning human being.

So for this guy to continually interrupt me while I’m trying to figure out what’s best for my  kid was highly irritating. I know he was just trying to be helpful, but it goes back to the age old question: Would he have been so ‘helpful’ had I been a man?

The other basketball moms and I shared several exasperated looks between hints and then the game was over and we hightailed it out of there before I committed an assault, which would have done none of us any good.

We are now sitting in a ER room, waiting on xray results and praying that nothing is broken or there goes spring/summer ball and I will have one grouchy ass teenager on my hands.

UPDATE

No breaks! Just a very bad sprain

Posted in Family, Fibro, Personal, Promotion, R.OS.E., Release Day, Update

Transitions

I lost my job last week.

It’s been a rocky year. I wasn’t thrilled with the position change, but once it was done, I cried. I said I had no questions (true, my brain was blank), hung up the phone and cried. I stayed in bed for two days and went to a really dark place, but was able to pull myself out a bit at a time for my boys.

My plan for the moment is to try for disability again and cash out my retirement to buy up on rent and utilities as much as I can. And writing. Well, my plan was to write as much as possible but having been in a funk for the past week, we shall see how that goes.

The re-release of Riders of Sins Eternal has been wonderful and I have recieved great reviews for it. I also reached in the high 1600’s in African American romance, numbers I had never seen before.

My oldest is looking for his first job and I am so proud of him. I know he will do great for whatever he is chosen for.

And oh! Before I forget, I think I trended on Twitter! I have no idea how one ‘trends’ but I’m thinking if you’re name is mentioned more than 50 times in a couple of hours and it keeps going for two plus days, that’s trending right?

Lol, yeah I have a lot to learn!