Good morning constant companion,
I know we had a rough night last night, we were actually asleep! That was until the kid’s TV show woke us up and I sent a text with one eye open to turn it down and rolled back over to cuddle with my froggie*.
And then it happened. I felt that unfortunate new tinge in back. My shoulders and neck was already slathered in numbing cream and while I thought this would be cruel and unusual punishment for the kid to get back at waking me up it was a school night and his room was dead quiet.
The heating pad! I had moved the heating pad into the room and the little one was at his dad’s house so I could use it freely without hearing a little angel (demon) complaining about his aches and pains and feeling guilty if I say no, because I remember being called a hypochondriac at that age, because no one believed me when I said I hurt.
So I turned it up to the highest setting we can tolerate now -low- and put The Holiday on my phone and again tried to fall asleep.
I finally got comfortable enough to sleep when my son’s alarm went off at 6:38am.
And I wanted to cry. Once again, we had so much to do. And once again, I texted him that I couldn’t safely drive, so take the car and I will stress my self tomorrow getting things done.
Fibro, I know we have been together for years now and each and every day you find a new way to surprise me. There have even been three times I have woken up with no pain during all this and I will forever be grateful for those times.
But you really need to go. Between the pain, depression, anxiety and now sleep paralysis on top of it; I’m done.
I’m done thinking that I am not good enough and I am done allowing people to make me feel as if I’m ‘pretending’ about this whole thing and could go run a marathon tomorrow if I wanted to.
I’m done waking up to painful swelling in an area that I NEVER hit/injured in anyway. It’s like being in a domestic violence relationship with yourself**. Constantly feeling as if you’ve been in a fight and honestly you have. With your own body.
I am over the heartbreak I feel when I have to tell my children no over something that seems so easy for me to do but I can’t.
I am over you.
You will not win, I will continue to fight, although I am exhausted from you. I will win.
*Yes, I sleep with a stuffed animal sometime. Don’t hate cause I’m adorbs!
**I realize that DV is not a joke, I am not joking. I am comparing this to my own personal hell I survived.