Most of you know me in life, and know I make probably the most dumbass decisions in all of history, but I have a heart of gold and I genuinely try my hardest. I hate making promises to break them, I hate confrontation (but will stand up for myself if I’m feeling bullied), I hate letting others down. Even if there was nothing I could personally do, I still feel the guilt people.
I try my best with my kids. I’ve made questionable choices/decisions. I do things differently with the youngest because of what I’ve learned with the oldest. I screw up all the time. And I hate myself for it.
So imagine how I’m now that I’ve talked to my son (won’t identify which one) and find out that he’s depressed. All the signs were there. Not being able to sleep when he was supposed to, sleeping way too long when he did, easily frustrated. But I also saw the smiles and the laughter… my son. I should have known better, as he is just like me. A smile for the world while you are dying inside. Depression sucks.
When they are first born, we know to handle with care. To love and protect. To teach right and wrong. To hold on as tight as we can until they take that little hand away and run off on their own. But there’s nothing out there that tells you what you’re child is gong to become. Nothing that says in the case of event x, do y. Nothing that guides you on what to say when your child, your baby, comes to you hurting; stating that he doesn’t even know who he is and it hurts to be him.
The only thing you can do is throw your arms around him and cry and pray that you both get through it.